


Why Should I Stay?

by prioritiesofaliens



Category: The Blacklist (US TV)
Genre: Lizzington - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-18 05:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21506035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prioritiesofaliens/pseuds/prioritiesofaliens
Summary: It was finally time for Raymond Reddington to disappear again. It was time for him to leave DC, to leave the task force,To leave her.Angsty Lizzington.
Relationships: Elizabeth Keen/Raymond Reddington
Comments: 5
Kudos: 126





	1. Chapter 1

His head was aching again. Each bump Dembe hit driving through the DC streets sent a wave of pain through the base of his skull, wrapping around to his forehead and settling in his furrowed brow.

The headache had been a constant companion this past week as he and Dembe made their final arrangements. He couldn’t decide if it was the stress of finally wrapping up the blacklist (all details of the infamous list were now safely with Agent Ressler and the task force, God help us), or if it was the inevitable encounter he was on his way to right now. It was finally time for Raymond Reddington to disappear again. It was time for him to leave DC, to leave the task force,

_To leave her._

He focused again on the pain in his head. Anything to avoid thinking about Lizzie.

…

He was leaving Lizzie.

_That didn’t take long._

Having to tell her he was leaving.

_Would she care? Would she try to stop him? Would he let her?_

As they got closer and closer to her apartment he seriously reconsidered his decision not to just slink away in the night like the criminal that he is. God, it would be so much easier. But the thought of not seeing her one last time…no that was not easy. That would be much too hard. He had to see her just one more time, even if it left him more broken than he already was. He couldn’t imagine how that could happen, but she always seemed to find a way.

He had rehearsed this. It was less painful if there was a script, the mask could go on and he could tell her that he was leaving. That it was time.

His armor had been assembled with care this morning. Pressed white dress shirt, dark navy waistcoat and matching jacket. His best brown shoes and navy slacks. And, of course, his hat.

But despite all of the careful preparation, the armor, the mask, the script…he was nervous.

No, not nervous.

_Terrified._

Terrified that he would break down. Terrified that _she_ would break down. Terrified that she would be indifferent, or even worse, _glad_ that he was leaving.

 _Would that make it easier to go? Doubtful_.

Every outcome was terrifying to consider so he tried not to dwell on it too much. Focus on the headache. Recite the script. Recite the script again…

All too soon the car was coming to a stop. The final meeting in this godforsaken city before they loaded his private jet and took off to places unknown, never to return.

He wasn’t sure he could do this. His chest already felt heavy, his breathing irregular, his limbs like lead. And that damn headache.

But it was time to pull it together. He had made up his mind. He could not stand being so hopelessly in love with someone who would never love him back, who thought that his love for her was self-serving ( _isn’t all love?_ ) or part of some greater game.

She would never trust him. Never love him. It was time for him to make his exit and leave her to move on with her life. A life without him in it. A better life.

Maybe she would teach classes at the academy. Maybe she would meet someone new, someone who wasn’t number 1 on the FBIs most wanted list, someone Agnes would call her father….

And then he was pulling himself out of the car...

_When did it get so hard to stand?_

Forcing himself to walk up the front steps of her apartment building…

_Why couldn’t he breathe?_

Willing himself down her hallway to her front door, to form his shaking hand into a fist and knock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first ever fanfiction! Constructive criticism is welcome (please be gentle!).  
> Not sure how many chapters there will be, but more will definitely be coming!  
> Enjoy :)
> 
> Characters are not mine, blah blah blah, etc.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time Lizzie opened the door he had slid his faithful mask into place. If he was lucky, this would be the last time he would have to use it.

“Elizabeth.”

“Hey! Come in, I was just prepping dinner.”

She flashed a dazzling smile at him before turning and heading toward the kitchen.

God, he wasn’t going to make it. That smile always undid him. A flash of warm, glorious light into his dark world.

_And he was about to give up the light forever._

He followed her slowly into the kitchen, politely removing his hat as he went.

She was chattering away about her day and how Agnes was doing at Scottie’s, all the while moving about the kitchen and preparing ingredients for what looked like a stir fry.

He wasn’t taking in any of it. He was mesmerized by her. Drinking in her voice, her mannerisms and her movements while he still could. He had to burn this into his memory, one final token of her being to take with him into the dark.

“Red? You in there?”

“Sorry?”

“You’ve been staring at me without moving for the past 5 minutes. I was asking what this meeting was about.”

“Right, sorry. Must’ve been lost in my own head.”

He mentally shook himself. He couldn’t afford these lapses. He had to do it. He had to say his piece and leave.

“You sure you’re okay? You sounded a little weird on the phone. And you’re looking a little pale.”

She was still now. Standing in the kitchen with her arms crossed and a little frown on her face as she surveyed him over the counter.

It was now or never.

“I’m leaving.”

Her brow smoothed and she uncrossed her arms with what looked like relief.

“Okay. Where are you headed?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“And when are you coming back?”

He worked his jaw. His eye twitched and he cursed that stupid chink in his mask for what felt like the thousandth time.

He took a deep, heavy breath…

“I’m not.”

He couldn’t look at her.

_Was she relieved? Upset? Happy?_

She still hadn’t said anything. What had it been, a minute since he’d said it? Was she going to respond at a--

“I don’t understand.”

Oh god. Her voice was so incredibly small. So hesitant. He had to look up.

She was frowning at him again, with confusion and insecurity laced into her features.

“I’m leaving, and this time I’m gone for good. I’m not coming back.”

His voice was hollow. He knew he sounded robotic but he couldn’t let emotions into his voice or he would lose it.

“But why? You could’ve left at any time why are you leaving now?”

“I just wanted to make sure everything here was settled. That you and Agnes would be safe, the blacklist taken care of, assets secured. And now it’s time for me to go.”

She let him finish his sentence, and contemplated him for a moment before saying

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. If this is really you coming to tell me ‘Goodbye forever have a nice life’ the least you could do is tell me the truth instead of lying to my face.”

Her voice had risen through this little tirade until she was nearly shouting.

“Major threats have been gone for months, everything has _been_ settled so why now? Why would you just up and leave?”

So it would be anger. Okay. He could deal with anger.

He took a steadying breath.

“You’re right. It’s been time for me to leave for a while now. The reason I’ve stayed is…”

_Because I’m weak._

_Because I’m selfish._

“Because I’m in love with you.”

He froze.

_OH SHIT_

_Oh GOD. He just said that out loud._

It’s too late now. Oh god it’s much too late and she’s staring at him like he’s grown an extra head with her mouth hanging open and oh _why_ didn’t he just quietly sneak away, write her a nicely worded and totally un-incriminating letter oh Jesus…

And he knew that his expression was just as stunned as hers because why would he _have said that_

There was nothing for it. All scripts were out the window and if he was going to leave why not tell her the truth? It’s what she’s always wanted after all…

“I couldn’t make myself leave. I couldn’t handle the thought of never seeing you again, never hearing you laugh, never seeing you smile. I was being selfish, weak. But I have to leave. For you to move on from the past, for you to start your new life with Agnes, a safe life. I have to go.”

He was almost pleading by the end. Her eyes were filling with tears and his heart was breaking.

He wanted the anger back.

She still wasn’t saying anything. Tears were now streaming down her face and she was shaking her head back and forth, as if denying everything he was saying.

“Elizabeth, I—”

“Stop. Stop talking.”

Her voice was shaking and he was going to disintegrate on the spot he just knew it…

“This isn’t happening. You can’t just come here, tell me you _love_ me, and then disappear forever. Nothing about this is—"

“Why should I stay?”

This was it.

The question he had been asking himself for the past few months and one that he couldn’t answer.

And she just stared at him. Tears continued to silently slide down her face.

The silence was going to kill him.

“Why should I stay?”

Louder this time and oh, the desperation was starting to creep in. Her lack of response was driving home what he had always known. That she could never love him back. That there was no reason for him to stay, here or anywhere. Somehow this was making it more real than ever before and it was crushing him, strangling his windpipe.

“Lizzie…

_God it felt good to call her that again_

Tell me why I should stay.”

And his voice was breaking now. The tears were coming.

But she remained silent. Staring at him in

_What was that? Horror?_

Silence had never been this loud.

He clenched his jaw, hard. Anything to keep in the sobs threatening to overwhelm him.

_And still she was silent._

He nodded. He understood.

There was no reason.

He carefully placed his hat on his head, turned, and walked away from Elizabeth Keen, his entire world, for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler, there will be a happy ending! But for now, revel in the angst with meeee


	3. Chapter 3

_I’m an old fool._

He angrily wiped away the few traitorous tears that had begun to spill down his face as he fled back to his waiting car.

Dembe wisely did not ask how it went, but silently pulled the car out into traffic and started towards the airport.

He wanted Dembe to run every light, weave through traffic, get him out of this place as fast as he could because _he was suffocating._

What did he think was going to happen? A tiny part of him was relieved that she finally knew how he really felt, but the majority feeling was that he should’ve taken that secret to his grave. The majority cursed that tiny, hopeful, uncrushable part of him that believed that maybe he could be loved….

How ridiculous. He belonged in the dark and in the dark he would stay.

He hopes there’s plenty of alcohol on the jet. He planned to drown himself in it the second he boarded. Anything to banish the image of her staring at him in shock and disbelief as he begged her to tell him why he should stay.

_God how pathetic._

The trip to the airport was mercifully short. As much as he had dreaded leaving, had avoided thinking about actually boarding the jet and never setting foot here again, he was relieved to see the craft idling with the stairs lowered and ready to go.

He avoided eye contact with Dembe as they boarded and seated himself as close to the wet bar as possible, pulling the first container of amber liquid towards him that he could reach.

“Dembe, please tell our pilot that the sooner we leave this godforsaken hell hole the better.”

“Yes, Raymond.”

As Dembe walked to the cockpit, he quickly poured himself the first of what he knew would be many, many drinks. He briefly considered whether he should bother with a glass at all.

5 minutes passed.

Then 10.

How many preflight checks were there?

_Was that honking?_

Dembe suddenly appeared from the cockpit with a strange look on his face.

“Raymond, we seem to have a bit of a problem.”

“And what is that?”

“The runway is blocked.”

He was not in the mood for this. And why did Dembe look amused rather than annoyed? Or worried?

What complete asshole (that he probably wronged or cheated at some point) decided today was the day to get even? Someone was going to die.

He shoved himself out of his chair and stalked over to the stairway and began to lower it, his gun in hand.

But when the stairway lowered it wasn’t some criminal looking for revenge.

It was Lizzy.

_What the hell?_

Despite the fact that he was still breaking from their last encounter, he couldn’t stop that stupid, tiny part of him that felt a thrill when he saw her face gazing up at him. She was out of breath and clutching a stitch in her side as she stood down on the tarmac impatiently waiting for the stairs to finish their noisy, automated lowering process.

“I know why…you should stay.”

She had obviously sprinted from where she parked her car down the runway, in the path of the plane.

It took a second for him to register what she had said, and when it finally did he froze, scared to hear what she would say next and yet needing to hear it like he needed oxygen to breathe.

“You should stay because I want you to. Because you want to.”

She started up the stairway. His mouth was hanging open and he knew he probably should respond but his brain seemed to have stalled.

“You should stay because I want you here. With me. And Agnes. All of us together.”

Surely he hadn’t heard that correctly.

There was definitely something wrong with his hearing.

She was farther up the stairs now, and he couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Caught between that tiny hopeful part of him that was now _screaming_ with joy and the majority which was convinced that this could not be real. He had already drunk himself into a stupor certainly, this was all an elaborate hallucination….

And suddenly she was right in front of him and he could smell her perfume and the slight tinge of sweat that she must have generated in her mad dash to catch him before he left.

He was strongly reminded of another time. A time when Lizzy had come to stop him from leaving her life forever once before. How far they had come since that day.

“You should stay because I’m in love with you too.”

And oh, she was beautiful.

He realized he hadn’t said anything yet and they were facing each other in silence. How long had it been since she said those words? Those words he never believed he would hear?

He should say something.

“Those sound like good enough reasons to me.”

And he finally gave in to the impulse that he had nearly any time he was around her. He wrapped her tightly in his arms, determined never to let her go. And she was _hugging him back_ and how had he ever considered leaving her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about this last chapter. But I just wanted everyone to be happy dang it! Let them love each other!  
> Hope you all enjoyed!


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